The One With The List

I've got a few more years on me than I like to admit, but I can remember being in my mid twenties and watching Friends and thinking it was the funniest, cleverest thing on television.  And at the time, it certainly made the top five; even now, I like to watch it in re-runs.  Late at night.  On Nickelodeon.  Never mind.

One of the episodes which stands out is The One With Frank Jr., which, in my humble opinion, should have been called The One With The List & Isabella Rossellini.

If you're old enough to remember when it aired, or even if you're not, because hello, re-runs on Nickelodeon, I hope you saw this because it brings me to my next topic:

The List.

You know perfectly well what list, too, don't play coy with me.

~ The list of Celebrities You Would Do It With ~

A startling number of people I know have such a list.  Now, clearly, very few of us, statistically, are going to ever have the chance to indulge in The List, as for one thing,  celebrities are generally a little thin on the ground, in the global sweep of things.  For another thing, most of us (I hope) are not so shallow that we *would* just for the novelty of saying we *did*.  Most of us, being affiliative creatures, are in a relationship.  Or, if not most of us,  many of us.   And lastly, let us not forget... they're celebrities.

More worrying, is the list that people have - - of NON celebrities.  Of friends.  And friends of friends.  Of neighbors, casual acquaintances, workmates, classmates, and in a few terribly disturbing situations, distant relatives.  Oh dear.
I can't decide how I feel about this.

A rich, inner fantasy life - - nothing wrong with that.  Probably.

But what about when an inner fantasy life starts impinging on an outer reality?

The Man thinks Heidi Klum is hot.  I know this because I have seen Heidi Klum.   That said, he also thinks she's a little nuts for wearing false eyelashes made of mink, doesn't eat potatoes and married Seal.   That's a bit of balance.

I think George Clooney is gorrrrrgeous but apart from sitting next to him at the Academy Awards and having him help steady me when I stand up on wobbly pegs to accept the Oscar, the fantasy ends there.  ...well, apart from when he asks me to costar in the next Ocean's sequel.  That's the thing; it's the character, not the face.  Also, he's just too pretty and you know someone as pretty as that would be high maintenance.  Though I bet he doesn't have mink eyelashes.

But I don't have a list per se.

Okay.  I kind of do.

But not in a laminated, in-order-of-would-a-bility kind of way.

Don't we all?  You see him on the screen (or her) and imagine what they smell like or what their voice is like whispered up against your ear. But mostly - we imagine ourselves in that outfit, against that backdrop, in that setting, having that conversation, with that FICTIONAL CHARACTER saying these things to us.  (I'm not even going to go there in terms of what else we imagine.)

And that's where it comes back to reality.  The character.  It's all well and good - the schmoozy talk, the fancy dinner, the sunset, the suit, the scent, but slap all that on, say, Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, - also charismatic, famous (and evil as all freaking get-out) and it doesn't look so good anymore.

I'm almost positive there are female equivalents but I can't think of any famous ones, partly because you pretty much have to be gorgeous (or well heeled enough to afford accoutrements sufficient to camoflauge your ordinary looks) to be a female celebrity - unless you are easy on the eyes.  Also, because I have heartburn at the moment and I'm typing over here and simultaneously trying to put out some metaphorical fires over there .

I know I'm kind of a throwback with an old fashioned dating / relationship ethic, but so does The Man , so that works out pretty great for us.

And the thing is, I don't need a list.  He is my list.  He's fantastically funny, smart, well mannered, well traveled, kind, strong, balanced, smells good and has a great smile.  We will not even discuss his speaking voice, which is so unnnhhhhhh (Universal for 'his-voice-makes-me-weak-in-the-knees').  Who needs a fictional character when his actual character is so deeply fulfilling and wonderful?

That said, of course we both know when someone is essentially attractive, and we know what's generally appealing. Of course you notice when someone's attractive, on the inside or the outside.  The trick is finding someone whose insides and outsides are equally attractive who also finds your insides and outsides equally attractive slash irresistible.

Anyway.  I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a list.

Neither do I.

Maybe I should do but I'm afraid it would be disrespectful.

Do you have a list?

Let's have it.