So it's late. Or early, depending how you want to look at it.
I can't sleep. My thoughts won't stop. Candy Crush is irritating me. The book I'm trying to finish reading has not gone the way I hoped it would, but instead has gone the way I dreaded and feared it might. I haven't eaten since lunch. The rain outside was soft and lulling me to sleep but then it
stopped raining and I snapped back to wakefulness. Now it's at it again but screw it, because I'm here and I'm typing.
And surfing.
And that brings me to the ubiquitous Buzzfeed.
Not what you thought, was it?
Okay, so sue me. I like taking those goofy quizzes. I don't need them to define myself but I do like seeing how accurate their algorithms are, because I'm a nerd like that.
(Nerds are so in right now.)
So I'm awake and all crankypants and on a second dose of steroids for my stupid plantar fasciitis, and I come across (so to speak) a segment on Buzzfeed with different titles than I'm used to seeing; these were: Sex News! What Outrageous Sex Position Should You Try Next? Which Male Celeb Should You Have Sex With? What's Your Sex Number? And How Good Are You At Sex?
You just
know I'm going to take these -- if for no other reason than to try to keep abreast (as it were) of things. You know - - just in case it develops that I am able to have nookie with The Man again before I grow old and DIE.
It's been a while. Don't judge me.
So I started with How Good Are You At Sex.
I figured, better to just find out before we move on, because maybe there's some remedial sex test that will help bring me up to speed.
I was a little worried, because what if the whole Redhead thing wasn't true?
Yowza.
And so forth.
But I needn't have worried, and I hope The Man will be very happy to learn that the clinical results are in and they say that:
How Good Are You At Sex?
You got: YOU’RE INCREDIBLE AT SEX!
OH MY GOD. You’re so good at sex. Seriously, you’re unbelievable. There’s basically no one else on this planet who is better at sex than you. You’re better at sex than Russell Brand. You’re better at sex than Emma Stone. When you have sex, the whole world changes a bit. Everyone you have sex with is incredibly lucky. Every time you have sex, you give someone the greatest gift they will ever receive. You really are amazing. Congratulations.
Why, thank you. Thank you very much!
Is there a trophy of some sort?Now one might imagine that an accolade such as this would suffice. But no. Nooooo. Now I want to know more. Also, I want an excuse to think about nookie a little longer, because,
nookie.(
I mentioned it's been a while, right? 78 days? Not loving that - - and no prospective date for reuniting on the calendar which is driving me batshit crazy with torment and such like, but never mind - )So I took "What's Your Sex Number", because hell, even at 2:30 in the morning, I can count to two. (2) (Yes. As in two people. Ever. )
Hey-ohhhhhhhhhhhh!
What’s Your Sex Number?
You got 81 out of 200.
You’re really good at what you do (wink), but you’re not interested in freaky for freaky’s sake. Bonus: this quiz just gave you a few new ideas.
EIGHTY ONE?!
EIGHTY ONE?! I can't decide if I'm humiliated or horrified. Never mind.
- Moving right along -
"Which outrageous sex act should you try next?" Well, I mean really. I'm excellent at it and I'm no spring chicken, I've seen some stuff, what's left out there, what could possibl- Oh.
Ballcuzzi.
You know... the word ball...and the last half of the word "jacuzzi" I'm not even going to get into that one.
Next!
Which Celebrity Should You Sleep With?
...may I just ask...is there a special section of Buzzfeed where the bored celebrities take tests to see which Average Person they should sleep with? Or do they take the celebrity nookie test and figure out where their next hookup should be?
Well anyway. I'm disinclined to sleep with any celebrities because I'm in a long term committed monogamous relationship with a man I love and he is my Person. But I was bored so I took the quiz. Holy flawed algorithm: Ryan Gosling. No.
NEXT! ..quickly...
At this point, my self esteem can use all the pumping up it can get. Even so, I took the How Sexy Are You quiz. I didn't exactly hold out a lot of hope. Survey SAYS:
How Sexy Are You?
You got: YOU’RE SO SEXY.
Christ, you’re sexy. Genuinely. When you walk into a room, heads turn. Everyone looks at you. And you know why? Because you’re the sexiest person in it. You’re the sexiest person in every room. You’re sexy with your clothes on. You’re sexy without your clothes on. You’re sexier than Beyoncé. You’re sexier than Prince William. When people see you, even if it’s just for a moment, their lives change. You really are incredible. Congratulations.
- Oh. Well that's all right then. And thank you. Goodness me. Bless my buttons and everything. Then I thought... maybe they just tell everybody that. Because getting a score result that said: "You are not sexy at ALL - Jeeze, you're lame. Genuinely. When you walk into a room, nobody notices or cares. You know why? Cos you're the lamest person in it. Lame with your clothes on. Lame with your clothes off. Lamer than Yoko Ono. Lamer than Woody Allen. When people see you, even if it's just for a moment, their lives are profoundly unaffected. You really are incredibly lame. Congratulations." -- would probably put you off using BuzzFeed, ever, for anything. So maybe everybody who takes their quiz is 'sexy'. It's probably best that I don't read too much into it.
- Maybe I should leave it here and buzz back another day.
All this talk about nookie and sexiness has left me feeling pretty bereft. Among other things.
Ok. Sexy out. (Don't worry - we will definitely be bringing Ginger, I mean Sexy, back.)
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